Can you work out who the players are from the following anagrams?

1. EAGLE WET HOG RUN

2. ALLOY TWIRL

3. ALIGN HELL

4. EDNA STUN ROSY

5. NINA MEG SLUR

6. FUDGE ROOST

7. WHEN YELL TINY

8. NEAR LARK OWL

9. AIRLINE WRONG

10. GARRY HOWL ROT

Scroll down to the bottom of the page for answers!

ANSWERS:

1. EUGENE GRATWOHL: 2 WILL TAYLOR: 3. NIGEL HALL: 4. TONY SAUNDERS: 5. NIGEL SURMAN: 6. DOUG FOSTER. 7.LYNNE WHITLEY: 8. LORNA WALKER: 9. LORRAINE WING: 10. RORY GRATWOHL

HOW TO COOK A CONDUCTOR

Ingredients:
One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening. (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted health food, such as tofu or yogurt
1 abused orchestra

First, catch a conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Cornet) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway).

Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another.

Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Concert Band, you may wish to tenderise by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing between two large cymbals.

Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours. When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub all over with the garlic. Cover your Conductor with the Crisco, using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too.

Next, take your Band and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, making sure there are lots of really long passages for everyone, big loud chords for the Basses, and lots and lots of trills for the horns. Rehearse these passages several times. making certain that the Euphs and Basses are always playing as loud as they can and the Troms are Glissing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be certain to add the second repeats in really big symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score.

If taking repeats does not generate enough flame, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the recent test pieces. When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham.

Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing it until smooth. If the ego is bitter sweeten with honey to taste.

Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey.

Some rules of behaviour and practice hints

• At home, always store your instrument in the most inconspicuous place possible, so as to not be constantly reminded of the fact that you have to practice.
• Always be late on rehearsals, so that your presence be especially noticed.
• It is not important how you attach mutes, etc. to your music-stand, as long as they can fall off easily.
• To be able to check your own tone well, always continue playing briefly after the conductor has stopped.
• Staying away from rehearsals is an excellent way to give proof of your importance.
• Help your fellow musicians by playing yourself so loudly, that another man's mistakes attract less attention.
• In order to obtain yourself extra certainty, it is best to ask questions about issues that have been discussed on previous rehearsals.
• In order to be sure that all water is thoroughly removed from all valves and slides, you should blow it out in a way that it can be well heard. It is best to do this during delicate passages.
• During rehearsal, wear shoes with hard soles, to be able to tap audibly on the floor and thus play in time.
• To remind the conductor of the current time, look at your watch often and conspicuously. Shake the watch, if you are not certain if it tells the correct time.
• In order to be sure that your instrument is put away correctly in its case, it is best to start packing well before the end of the rehearsal.
• It is not really necessary to celebrate family birthdays on the day itself. You may very well move these to the evening of rehearsal.
• Always shake your head conspicuously when other musicians make mistakes.  
• To avoid wear and tear to the inside of your instrument, never clean it.
• Make sure that the main tuning slide is thoroughly stuck, so that other players always have to tune up to you.
• Never read the publications of your band. Suppose they contain senseless tips like these.